I took a couple of hours and $21 and went to my local cineplex to see The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies today.

First off, if you want snappy dialogue, go elsewhere. Maybe go see Into the Woods, or Big Eyes, or maybe even Mockingjay. If old Westerns are called shoot-’em-ups, then this should be called a slice-’em-up. There’s virtually nothing in the film but battle scenes with orcs, dwarves, elves and men all trying to cut each other’s heads off.

Secondly, there was a huge deus ex machina at the end. Anyone who’s read the book knows that Beorn the skin-changer appears to aid the good guys in the final battle. He does in the movie too, but there’s no explanation of who he is, not even an “Oh look, it’s Beorn!” exclamation from anyone. Suddenly this bear drops from an eagle’s claws and there he is.

Other quibbles: Tauriel, who was not in the original book in the first place, was banished by the Elven-King Thranduil from Mirkwood, but it appears by the end of the movie that he’s rescinded that edict. Since she never appears elsewhere we can imagine she went off to a nunnery in Mirkwood after Kili’s death, but she probably didn’t. Legolas is furious with his father Thranduil because of her banishment and refuses to go home, so Thranduil tells him to go find the Dunedain, particularly some guy among their number who’s called Strider. Thus does Director Jackson indulge in major foreshadowing.